Saying Goodbye To Drinking
We are shaped by our environments the way we speak, our preferences, and even our addictions. Whether addiction stems from abuse, pressure, early exposure or other factors, we eventually start to shape our own environment. We become so immersed in our lifestyle of drugs and or alcohol that we unintentionally enable ourselves and others. We pull people into our world, trying to make them fit the vision we’ve created for ourselves. As time goes on, we get tired. We want change, but the very environment we've created for ourselves becomes an obstacle. Suddenly, telling them “I don’t want to drink anymore” feels like a burden. But you know what? Just because your past is checkered doesn’t mean you can’t play chess. We all have a chance to change the game, no matter where we come from. While I don’t have advice in the form of a step by step guide on how to do this, I do have my own story. I’ll share how it went for me and where I am in my process, because recovery isn’t a one and done deal. It's an everyday struggle. You need to tend to your garden regularly, nurturing it to keep it growing.
In the beginning, I went sober for a couple of months at a time, primarily for boxing. I would go cold turkey for 6-8 months to prepare for a fight or tournament, then go back to drinking hard afterward with occasional drug use. It became a known pattern for me, everyone knew to expect it. As time went on, this routine became harder to maintain, and my drinking and drug use escalated. Eventually, with help from a close friend I had to face the truth. I had an issue, and for the first time, I decided to make a change.
At this point I did not seek out any programs or professional help I just tried to do it cold turkey. I still had friends who were all immersed in this culture. I found myself in the middle of a culture where we normalized drinking every weekend, every Thursday and Friday. Hanging out underaged at a bar, hanging out in the street, strip club, late nights in the park or at a kickback. It was a great time a fun period in our lives so no one really understood my initial comment to not drinking I wasn’t doing this for a fight, so why do it then? They thought.
Trying to stay sober often left me angry, irritable, and isolated. I wasn’t the person I wanted to be, and no one understood why I couldn’t just be as functional as them. I found myself trapped in a cycle, longing to quit, but unable to break free. Eventually I was able to admit outwardly that I had a problem drinking.
Many of my friends and family believed I could learn to drink in moderation. They tried to convince me that I could be a “social drinker”and that my drinking habits weren’t a problem. I initially thought they were talking to me, but I realized they were convincing themselves It was denial, the same kind of denial I was in when I couldn’t face my own addiction. Luckily, none of them developed dependency issues, but I couldn’t balance it. I couldn’t fit into a world where moderation was possible.
When I got excited for drinking or taking drugs it was a scary sight. I could feel the rush in my veins, a surge of adrenaline that made me feel invincible, like I could run through a wall. When that wasn’t the case I felt like a ticking time bomb, over time I spiraled deeper into my addiction. I was reckless with my drinking, my weight fluctuating gaining when I was deep in relapse and losing when I was in recovery, running up my tab and losing control of my life. At times, it wasn’t about the alcohol anymore. It was about the depression and loneliness that had always followed me all these years. Alcohol wasn’t the friend I once made it out to be.
I started coming into spaces with bottles on me ready to drink myself into tomorrow. Depression and loneliness was something that followed me throughout my life before alcohol and drugs ever came into the picture. My addiction was a bully that I kept telling others was actually a friend.
Eventually, I began distancing myself from those who were still caught up in the drinking culture. It wasn’t easy, and I wasn’t perfect, but my closer friends started to accept my truth. With their support, I began to cut off people who didn’t align with the values I was working toward setting a new standard in my life. Those that remain were all there through the antics, the withdrawals, relapses and legal troubles.
Recovery is not a one time fix it’s an ongoing process. Some days are better than others, but I continue to learn to embrace the struggle, to take it one step at a time. It’s hard, and there’s still so much I don’t have figured out. The family end of this still needs working. Making new friends and bringing them into the fold is still a bridge I’m slowly crossing. But I’m not trapped in the cycle anymore. I’m choosing to rewrite my story, every day. And know that change is possible, no matter where you start from.