My Last Relapse

This entry is about my last relapse, how I encountered the triggers, the excuses our minds come up with to rationalize lapses in sobriety and the consequences that followed. While relapsing is common in addiction recovery, I never imagined how deep the effects would be until it happened again.

This story unfortunately is not one of those stories I can retell from start to end. Not because of my anonymity or shame but because I just cannot recall the events in chronological order, over the years I’ve managed to impair my memory function. While my memory before using is clear, my memory during my use and after have been impacted. I have a lot of blackouts from drugs and alcohol. I Took a lot of mind altering substances which I’ve suspected is why I’m left with memory gaps. It’s a side effect, one of many when you deal with abuse in addiction. This is one where the brain is unable to properly consolidate or retrieve certain memories. Even when I did not have full on blackouts the ability to remember events or the sequence of them is impaired. Emotional memory is something that is more ingrained in me. It's common for others because trauma or intense emotions tend to be preserved by the brain by instinct the brain sees as important for survival. While some loss can be permanent based on the extent of the damage there is possibility of repair for instance this very writing and past journaling helps me remember certain events.

What led to my second to last relapse was something I didn’t have an answer for, negative emotions like depression and sadness. On top of my seasonal depression the loss of my choice of poison alcohol became something to mourn. This was something that was part of my life albeit harmful but significant either way. I wouldn’t learn til after this particular relapse in my meetings that this was part of the five stages of grief in addiction recovery. These stages are as follows: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Relapsing to this was rough for me. It brought about a period where I was most out of control because it was my first relapse after outwardly telling people I was done drinking. I went from 300 pounds to 420 pounds. I was out of control. I fell hard into my addiction because I never went through the acceptance stage. So this leads to the start of the story where I started my journey before the last relapse. By this point I was at my heaviest. I had a DUI prior to this and I guess I somehow ended up sobering up and focusing my time towards working out and losing the weight. I went from 420 to 270 pounds and by this time my life consisted of clean eating, working out, boxing and running. I was so relieved to have come this far that I promised myself this was the last time I would relapse. I started cutting off people who I felt didn’t have the same values as I did. Distance myself from my biggest enablers and avoided spaces where liquor was present I was a social shut in. My lapse of judgment from the start since coming to terms with my addiction and committing to being clean again was never having a recovery program. I was flying in the dark before I never knew what to look out for or listened to anybody else’s stories so this relapse that has yet to happen is what set me up for a stronger recovery. 

I’m not done yet with my weight loss. I wanted to lose more but during this I had an idea for a business something close to heart for me. Art has always been my passion, from childhood doodling to attending art programs and eventually a performing arts high school. Since I was doing so well in recovery I felt the need to get back to it. Only thing is I’m out of practice and one does not just wake up and get into exhibitions. So I start creating and eventually I start thinking how do I go about getting my art out there. Had I kept going after high school there would be momentum, guidance from mentors, teachers and peers. I would have found an avenue, but I’m just a guy who hasn’t done a show in years in recovery so how do I do this from this point in time. 

I decided to organize my own exhibition and set a date six months out. A friend with event organizing and art curating experience joined me, and together we pooled our ideas to make it happen. We decided to include other artists in the exhibition and I was surprised by the response, especially when an out of state artist reached out followed by others. This made the event feel much more real and solidified my responsibility. After talking to each of these artists I realized a common struggle. We are all local artists who find it hard to get involved in exhibitions by established art organizations and I had a solution. I decided to start an art organization for local artists to grow in and gain exposure. None of the 5,000 worded essays and long resumes and complicated networking a streamlined open mic approach to showcasing your art, regular public exhibitions showcasing any and all forms of arts. 

My friend was in charge of curating, organizing and making sure every word I wrote down was grammatically correct. This was a joint effort and a passion for the two of us. This was my hottest idea yet I even got featured in an exhibition because of it where I networked with other artists, studios and vendors. We picked the vendors involved, the space. One vendor served their own alcoholic drink, and I made the exception to try it, thinking it would be a one and done deal. At the time, I was too focused on the event to worry about the risks. Fast forward to the day of the show, it was a success for once in my life I felt like I was not in hell. I was so happy to be successful. I felt like a winner and I never had felt that way before. This leads me to another trigger.

Celebratory emotions like excitement have led me to relapse in the past but never like this. I’m at my peak on top of the world. Over 200 people came to this two day exhibition from all over the place even out of state and they all resonated with what I was doing and gave me attention and admiration that felt better than any high I got. Which leads to an overconfidence what does that do to a person in recovery? It creates a false sense of security. Which in turn can cause one to ignore triggers, take unnecessary risks and believe addiction can’t touch them in this state as if they were cured. I was all of the above. I started drinking at this event and the only reason I didn’t go overboard at my own show was because the vendor ran out of liquor. I remember the first drink. It was fun. I probably could have stopped then until I had the second any voice that was there convinced I could stop was gone. There’s a new voice telling me I can keep going I can have it all so now I'm excited and after I take down the third I’m ready for more and more which is when the drinks happen to run out. This show was a success and we planned out the next couple of months but I also slipped and this point became the beginning of the end. 

What followed was stress. I've created an organization with a mission and an answer to a problem in the community. I became a champion to that cause and I stepped up now I have to champion this cause and the pressure starts to get to me. I repeated my mission so many times it started to lose meaning. This caused me to lose confidence in my ability which kept me up at night. This stress in itself is a trigger. Managing stress in recovery, stress leads to relapse. It leads me to a couple including this one, being sober in the beginning leads to better sleep and grateful weekends and moments of gratitude. As time goes on however stress is an unavoidable thing it’s a part of everyone’s life. I dealt with it with drugs and alcohol. I would come home after work, get upset, argue and leave the house, go to a bar, I would be sad and go outside and drink. I'll even plan out a weekend to take some drugs just to mix things up. Unfortunately when you take away unhealthy responses to stress you need to find healthy coping techniques. Without it the body goes into flight or fight mode. Those memories the brain recalls of responding to stress by indulging in drinking or drug use are triggered and you create this conflict in yourself because you’re actively denying yourself to follow this instinct. 

I have a couple techniques I’ve picked up myself to help manage stress, I went out with friends in situations removed from drinking. This is great because you’re not isolated and left with your thoughts and instead get to enjoy a good time and strengthen your support group, the people that keep me from drinking. I have also journaled in high stress situations where I would have stormed out of the house. In the warmer weather I also enjoyed the outdoors in the form of fishing and hiking. I really liked it. These mental breaks and staying positive really help and by engaging in that you minimize relapsing. I did not do this at this time, I don’t remember much during that, maybe I did drink, maybe I just walked around stressed. I do know I continued the plans we set for those next couple of months. I'm in no place to come up with anything new concepts, or ideas. I'm just going through the motions but this art stuff is going so well I failed to see what was happening until the night where I really messed up. 

This particular night I was supposed to go to the drink vendors' event at his studio. I've done this a lot before this was supposed to be one of those regular visits. I’m meeting my partner there, the one who helped me do this whole thing. I’m a punctual guy so I intend to get there at the time I said I would and I get frustrated when I don’t. I’m driving there and end up going through road rage and when I drive angry I tend to make mistakes like miss turns which just make me more upset. This particular night there just happened to be road work going on which is what initiated the snowball effect. By the end It was a bad episode of rage. By the time I got to the event I justified it in my head that I had earned this drink and I drank and it erased all that frustration. I still remember me in the state of drunken confusion sitting around wondering about my next move. Watching people watch me watching my friend there worried about me. She didn’t know the full extent of my history with addiction. I met her during a period of sobering up. I felt guilty doing this to her so I went to leave which people were wary of letting me go, they asked if I drove and my friend offered to drive me and I said okay I’ll wait downstairs. But I didn't. I went downstairs and as I left I blacked out. By the time I can remember anything I had crashed and totaled the car elsewhere got another dui no one got hurt but me I hit a tree in a residential area going a whole other direction. In one night I fully undid everything and basically killed this dream we had.

After the crash, everything seemed to fall apart. I couldn’t continue with the art organization or fund the events. I couldn’t network or contribute. The guilt was immense. It was a constant weight on me. I had failed not only my dream or the people dependent on it but also a friend who had worked so hard to make it all happen. This was the toughest consequence of all. This friend has been hurt in this art space before by others and now I was doing the same. The guilt was immense, but it also served as a catalyst for change. I promised myself I would never let this happen again. This painful chapter led to my current three year sobriety, where I have sought help some legally mandated some not through IDRC, a treatment center, therapy, and Alcoholics Anonymous. These programs work when you commit to them, they're the reason I can think back and identify what went wrong and what I could have done to prevent further development towards relapsing. As challenging as this whole thing was, it has taught me resilience. I am stronger in my recovery and I learned that this process doesn’t end on a day but is continuous. If you’re interested in reading more about my three years of recovery, check out my first post titled “Three Years Sober.”