Three Years Sober

I’ve done this a couple of times, lasting a couple of months to a year each time. But I really only worked the program the way it was meant this most recent time. What used to be the hardest part was acceptance and acknowledgment. It took a close friend constantly telling me I had a problem and while at the time I wasn’t listening a small piece of me did listen and the seed was planted. Now this was years ago eventually I did sober up but I wasn’t willing to seek professional help. Eventually after a couple of relapses and long periods of binge drinking I got sick and tired of being sick and tired of it all and I have a what I thought was decent but really lackluster run. This was supposed to be my last time doing this and I got sloppy and relapsed and now we fast forward to this current run. 

I’ve done it and failed so many times. I'm not bad at getting back up and going again. Only each time It takes more and more out of me and I don’t pay that toll in cash. At this point I’m starting to get sick and tired of it. It started to feel like there was a limit to how many times I was gonna be able to get back up. But this wasn’t that so I paid the toll and proceed so the rest of this is a reflection on these past three years. 

This time I hit the ground running, went to a treatment center which later turned into meetings, and cultivated my support system. Two quotes come to mind “Every failure is a lesson” and “what is for you shall not pass”. The relapse before this run was a tough one. It hurts terribly, but when you’re in the thick of it, there’s no time to stay down after falling. These waves of depression come fast and hard. The longer you take to get up the harder it gets. You never know which set of waves is the one that is going to do you in, or how long it’ll be til you resurface from it. The rest of year one is spent on working the program as well as my actual day job taking it one day at a time.

 As I approach year two I realize there’s an issue. Every year the fall-winter season is a period where I struggle most, leading to binge drinking, relapse and depression before I get it back together in the spring, rinse,repeat. It kicks off with Halloween, this is when birthdays start and parties in general. I would drink and party a lot, setting the tone for the rest of the season. This is then followed by Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, and in the end, my birthday. I grew up not having much to do during these holidays. I spent them alone with thoughts of others and how they spent it better. While others were looking forward to breaks and days off of school I dreaded it because I didn’t wanna leave my circle of friends for those periods. Then to top off all these holidays a couple days after new years it’s my birthday. This is a day I never had celebrated growing up and later refused to do myself. One of those things that fell to the wayside. We didn’t do a lot of things that I would imagine other nuclear homes would do. Anyways, years of this only added to the void created during those formative years which later would be filled in by drinking and drugs. Resulting in the problem I’m facing at this juncture.

Up until this point I’m doing well working the program focusing on my job. My work and program got me through this season during year one, but as we approach year two the stress of work made this difficult added with the fact that now I’m doing another year of facing the gauntlet. Work can be a little stressful at this time, I have been promoted to a manager position. The whole month of October was so stressful I ended up having a panic attack, the first of many and it scared me to think this was my reality. So I decided the next step was to seek therapy, something I’ve struggled doing in the past because of stigma. But my past negligence is what probably let it get to this point and I didnt wanna take it further. So I actually followed through, and that helped. I saw a therapist and a psychotherapist and working with them helped tremendously to get through the rest of that year. Back on track I work the program, go to therapy, take my psych meds, and handle my job with ease day by day.

Now as I approach the next year, year three things get difficult again. I’d have relapsed a couple of times during this period if it wasn’t for all the hard work I put in the prior years. The system of support I’ve cultivated serves as a safety net; it's what separated this run from the others. For the longest I’ve done this without the support so when I fell I hit the ground but this time I got caught so I avoided the ground. This all started with me losing my insurance which led to stress and anxiety coming back. No insurance meant I wasn’t going to go to therapy and eventually I got off my meds. I figure out there’s a dependency towards the medication so now I’m dealing with withdrawals and thinking about my current reality. This is my life now. I can't drink, I can’t use drugs, I can’t live the lifestyle I used to the same one multiple people live without the outcome I have. I can’t go outside. I can't even make it without my medications and therapy sessions and if I get off them I get withdrawals that affect my mood and temperament. I can’t even stand the advertisements of liquor on tv or streaming platforms because it overwhelms me. That's my reality and I’m supposed to be okay with this. 

So I slowly go backwards. My program takes hit after hit to this day it still hasn’t recovered but at this time things start to fall to the wayside the way they started only backwards everything coming to a crawl. So what’s left is my work and my support system being my friends which is what saves me from bottoming out. It’s July and I’m going to Miami for vacation. I'm so stressed from work that I needed this and the trip was great up until the end. Trip started out fun and clean. We went out, ate at some good restaurants, the beach, walked around and took in the place. I mean it was great, almost perfect then there was an idea the night before leaving to go out clubbing. At this point there’s a shift in the air for me. I hate clubbing. I had a habit of drinking myself to the point of confusion and dissociation and had a habit of hostility and disappearing in said environment. But I didn’t wanna rain on anyone’s parade. I figured I could handle this one night we leave the next day. I thought I could say I’ll just stay behind at the air bnb or do something else but I didn’t wanna be that guy so I went out with them.

 Since I couldn’t drink I decided to get high, smoking weed is the only thing I have left since I can’t drink or take other drugs so I do it to take the edge off. My social anxiety, insecurities, paranoia, it's all kicking in at the club. My self esteem starts plummeting. I can't talk to anyone. I stand around holding a soda as a prop in my hand avoiding getting sucked into the position to dance. The high wasn’t enough to distract me from the thoughts that came from the memories of my past club antics and the urge to go someplace else, even grab a drink and the others the rest of my group is immersed in the scene all but one who noticed me in the throes of battling my demons. That friend watched over me the rest of the night and being seen like that helped me that night but I was still miserable and that depression came into me and made itself at home. 

Now it’s the next day, our last day in Miami before we catch this flight in the afternoon we go out one last time to eat. Everyone’s hung over, tired and in regret of the night prior and I’m just obviously sad. I just wanna go home at this point and then as we walk towards the restaurant a serge of energy hits me. I get an idea that genuinely brings me excitement. I convinced myself to get a drink. “I deserve this.. just one shot I earned at least that wait no better yet a drink just one drink which one if it’s only one it’s gotta be strong no mixers no beer no wine maybe some straight honey jack no Jameson that’s a good one and it's gotta be a great one better hey  Long Island iced tea yeah that’s the one.” Now I’m practically skipping down to this restaurant. My mood is evaluated, the blood in my veins pumping in anticipation. I've easily committed to this. Now we’re seated the waiter is taking our orders and he’s about to leave after he took everyone else’s order they told him I wasn’t drinking and I said “wait hold on actually I do want a drink let me get a Long Island iced tea… actually never mind let me get some Hennessy straight up” man what saying that did to my body pure ecstasy. But this decision resulted in push back by the group I was with. At the time I didn’t know this til later the same friend that watched over me the night before had another friend cancel the order inside the restaurant. We are on the patio so I didn't realize this til after and I really wanted to berate the friend who I thought did this to me not knowing it was someone else. Now I’m angry, frustrated I didn’t get my drink and I’m back to being miserable. We eat to catch our flight. I'm ready to crash out soon as I get back home. 

We get to the airport where I’ve decided. As soon as I get home ima get in my car and go out to a strip club to have some fun to make up for this lost drink. Not only was our flight delayed slightly, we were also waiting on baggage claim and our ride. We took so long to get back home after all that plus the drive I couldn’t do anything that night. And then the very next day I got sick actually we all got the flu. The timing on all of this was insane. If not for me being out sick for that week I would have fully been back to binge drinking. I mean I got saved and this kicked off my season of depression right on time for that fall-winter season. My toughest leg of the year and at the other side of it my third year of sobriety. I made it by the skin of my teeth. I was very depressed but I didn’t drink and I didn't do anything else. I thought for sure new years was gonna be it but I weathered that and then when my birthday came that was a tough one. I haven’t cried in years, not that I’m too good for it. I used to break down every night I was out binge drinking and eventually I was cried out. Just couldn’t do it no matter how much I wanted to and I really missed it. Crying feels good not in the moment but after it relieves stress imagine having gained an inability to do that. Anyways it’s my birthday and I’m driving at night and I’m reminiscing thinking about my upbringing and finally after all those years I cried a lot it was a gift really. 

Now we are nearing the present. After my birthday my depression starts to lessen by the day. I survived the last leg of the year. My sober date is coming up on February 20th. I had some hard days, some good leading up to the date. I gave my job a notice and have started looking for another job. Hopefully something with insurance so I can start back up on everything I stopped. I also want to focus on maintaining a healthy work life balance. What carried me after October was making it to February because it was so close but now having crossed the finish, I need a stronger reason to carry me through the rest of this year. I need something stronger and what is stronger than the program so that’s where I’m at and that’s my three year recap. 

Thank you for taking the time to read my first blog entry. I started journaling in 2018 for two years then after writing on my notes app. Followed by twitter rants just throwing my stuff out to the wind I figured why not have a dedicated platform for it. I’ll mostly talk about my frustrations with recovery. Honest albeit raw, my intention is to report my experience. Giving you the good, the bad and the ugly.